A Complete Novelization of Monty Python and the Holy Grail
by Chaos Theory Made Human
Summary: A complete novelization of the comedy cult classic (please don't sue me)! Hope you enjoy my first story on this site. STORY ON HIATUS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE. Sorry to all 4 people who are reading this.
1. The Credits

OK, so we go through the usual FBI stuff, warnings, the big red ATTENTION at the top of your screen, all that. Yeah.

**The Credits**

BRITISH BOARD OF FILM CENSORS

3. _SOHO SQURE. W.1._  
Secretary: John Trevelyan, O.B.E

**THIS IS TO CERTIFY**

That _Dentist on the Job_ has been Passed  
as more suitable for Exhibition to  
Adult Audiences.

**NAT COHEN AND STUART IIVY**

**ANGLO AMALGAMATED  
**_Film Distributors Limited_

Cue crappy old music

A Bertrum Ostrer Production

Bob Monkhouse, Kenneth Connor, Shirley Eaton, and Eric Barker in…

DENTIST ON THE JOB

Also starring Richard Wattis, Ronnie Stevens, Reginald Beckwith

With Michael Miles, Graham Stark, Mercy Haystead, Charlotte Mitchell, Jeremy Hawk, David Horne, David Glover, and Ian Whittaker

A bunch of other random credits you don't care about

A young woman in a shawl walked into the dental care store. As she closed the door behi-

_Beep! Beep! Beep! _

**One moment please while the operator changes reels  
**


	2. The Real Credits

**The Real Credits**

Monty Python  
and  
The Holy Grail

More credits you don't care about

_All the text you shall see below this is subtitles, until I tell-er, write-er…f*ck it. Until the text says it's not. _

Wi not trei a holiday in Sweden this yer?

…

See the loveli lakes

…

The wonderful telephone system

…

And mani interesting furry animals

…

Including the majestik moose

…

A moose once bit my sister…

…

No realli! She was Karving her initials on the moose with the sharpened end of an interspace toothbrush given to her by Svenge-her brother-in-law-an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian moves: "The Hot Hands of an Oslo Dentist", "Fillings of Passion", "The Huge Molars of Horst Nordfink"…

…

_OK, the text isn't subtitles anymore. Got it? Good._

…

_Beep! Beep! Beep!_

**We apologize for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked.**

_Wait, the text is subtitles again. Damnit!_

Mynd you, moose bites Kan be pretti nasti…

_Wait, now the text isn't subtitles. Ugh…_

**We apologize again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked, have been sacked.**

Production Manager-Someone you don't care about

Something you don't care about- Someone you don't care about

Something you don't care about- Someone you don't care about

Something you don't care about- Someone you don't care about

Something you don't care about- Someone you don't care about

Something you don't care about- Someone you don't care about

Something you don't care about- Someone you don't care about

Something you don't care about- Someone you don't care about

Moose Trained by-Yutte Hermsgervordenbrotborda

Something you don't care about- Someone you don't care about

Special Moose Effects-Olaf Prot

Moose Costumes-Siggi Churchill

Something you don't care about- Someone you don't care about

Moose choreographed by-Horst Prot III

Miss Taylor's Mooses by Hengst Douglas-Home

Moose trained to mix concrete and sign complicated insurance forms by-Jurgen Wigg

Something you don't care about- Someone you don't care about

Mooses noses wiped by-Bjorn Irkestom-Slater Walker

Large moose on the left hand side of the screen in the third seen from the end, given a thorough grounding in Latin, French, and 'O' Level Geography by-Bo Benn

Suggestive poses for the moose suggested by-Vic Rotter

Antler-care by-Liv Thatch-

_Beep! Beep! Beep!_

**The directors of the firm hired to continue the credits after the other people had been sacked, wish it to be known that they have just been sacked.**

**The credits have been completed in an entirely different style at great expense and at the last minute**

*Cue even crappier music than before*

_Executive Producer_

JOHN GOLDSTONE & "RALPH" THE WONDER LLAMA

_Producer_

MARK FORSTATER

_Assisted By_

EARL J. LLAMA

MILT Q. LLAMA III

SY LLAMA

MERLE Z. LLAMA IX

_Directed by_

40 SPECIALLY TRAINED  
ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN LLAMAS

6 VENEZUELAN RED LLAMAS

142 MEXICAN WHOOPING LLAMAS

14 NORTH CHILEAN GUANACOS  
(CLOSELY RELATED TO THE LLAMA)

REG LLAMA OF BRIXTON

76000 BATTERLY LLAMAS  
FROM "LLAMA-FRESH" FARMS LTD. NEAR PARAGUAY

_and_

TERRY GILLIAM & TERRY JONES

_Whew! Finally done with the credits…now I have approximately 90 minutes of film to go through. Sigh._


	3. Coconuts and Pointless Conversations

**England  
932 A.D.**

A desolate fog and a deep silence filled the air. It was a gloomy day, a lonely day.

When suddenly that loneliness and silence was completely broken. Phew! I was afraid it might go on forever (not really).

_Clop! Clop! Cloppity-Clop! Clop! Clop! Cloppity-Clop! _

A man acting like he was riding a horse came over the hill. Oh yeah, there was a hill. Forgot about that. And following the man was his servant, who was…banging two coconuts together?

"Whoa there!"

Cut to view of big stone castle on hill, fog surrounding it, typical dramatic crap. The man and his servant looked at it for a while, before moving forward, towards the castle.

"Halt! Who goes there?"

The man looked up at the top of the castle, where the sentry who had called out to him perched. "It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons! Defeater of the Saxons! Sovereign of all England!"

"Pull the other one!"

"I am! And this is my trusty servant Patsy." Arthur gestured to the heavily laden man next to him holding the coconuts. "We have ridden the length and breadth of the land, in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master."

" What, ridden on a horse?"

"Yes."

"You're using coconuts."

"What?"

"You've got yourselves two coconuts, and you're banging them together." How perceptive.

"So?" Arthur looked offended. "We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land. Through the kingdom of Mercia. Th-"

The sentry cut in, "Where'd you get the coconuts?"

The sudden question threw Arthur of guard. He looked at Patsy for a second, before looking back up at the sentry and replying, "We found them."

"In Mercia? The coconut's tropical."

"What do you mean?"

"This is a temperate zone."

Arthur frowned. "The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land."

Pause.

The sentry looked down at Arthur. "Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?"

"Not at all. They could be carried."

"What? A swallow carrying a coconut?"

"It could grip it by the husk."

"It's not a question of where he grips it. It's a simple question of weight ratios. A five-ounce bird could not carry a one-pound coconut."

Arthur sighed to himself. "It doesn't matter! Tell your master that Arthur from the court of Camelot is here."

Pause.

The sentry continued on his pointless tirade about coconuts. "Listen. To maintain airspeed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second."

"Please!"

"Am I right?"

Arthur shook his head, becoming angry. "I'm not interested!"

"It could be carried by an African swallow. An African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point."

Arthur cut in, quite frustrated by this point. "Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!"

"But then of course, African swallows are nonmigratory. So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway."

Arthur shook his head, and he and Patsy went off, again banging together the coconuts.

"Wait a minute. Supposing two swallows carried it together! No, they'd have to have it on a line…" The completely pointless conversation faded away as Arthur left.


	4. The Plague Made Not Depressing

Cut to scene of a small village, covered in mud and…something else brown and sticky that wasn't mud. Eugh. A cart with several dead people on it was slowly wheeled through the village…the man pushing it periodically shouting "Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!"

The plague was an awful thing…but trust me, it'll be less depressing in a moment.

"Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!"

The wagon stopped. The man kept calling out, banging on a triangle as he did so. Every so often, a man holding a corpse over his shoulder would come and dump a body onto the pile. "Ninepence." Then they would hand a small coin over to the man, and he'd nod and move on.

"Here's one." A young man in a black robe walked over, holding an old man over his shoulder.

"Ninepence."

"I'm not dead!" The wagon-pusher looked confused.

"What?"

"Nothing. Here's your ninepence." The young man holding the "corpse" started to put him on the cart.

"I'm not dead!"

"Here." The wagon-pusher, who we'll call Mike for now, handed back the ninepence. "He says he's not dead."

"Yes, he is." The man tried to hand it back.

"I'm not!"

"He isn't?"

"Well…he will be soon, he's very ill."

"I'm getting better."

"No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment."

Mike sighed. "I can't take him like that. It's against regulations."

"I don't want to go on the cart!"

"Oh, don't be such a baby." The man looked to Mike, who shook his head.

"I can't take him."

"I feel fine!"

"Oh, do us a favor." Mike (the guy who was pushing the cart, in case you forgot what I said already) shook his head again.

"I can't."

"Well…can you hang around? He won't be long." Mike shook his head again again.

"I've got to get to Robinson's. They've lost nine today."

"Well, when is your next round?"

"Thursday."

"I think I'll go for a walk!"

The man turned around to look at the "corpse" slung over his shoulder. "You're not fooling anyone." He then turned to Mike. "Come on, isn't there something you can do?"

"I feel happy! I feel happy!"

Mike took the club he had been hitting his triangle with and smacked the old man in the head.

"Thanks very much."

"Not at all. See you on Thursday."

Then, King Arthur and Patsy suddenly passed by, just to make all of this actually have something to do with the rest of the movie. Everybody watched them as they passed by.

"Who's that there?"

"I don't know. Must be a king."

"Why?"

"He hasn't got shit all over him."


	5. Peasants and Politics

Cut to a scene of a lush green field, with several peasants digging in the mud. You know, typical stuff to see these days.

Arthur and Patsy rode…er, walked? through the field, towards a castle a little ways away.

"Old woman!" Arthur shouted to a figure dragging a cart.

"Man!"

"Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle there?"

"I'm 37."

Pause.

"What?"

"I'm 37, I'm not old."

"…Well I can't just call you 'man'."

"You could say 'Dennis'." Thank god this guy has a given name.

"I didn't know you were called Dennis."

"Well you didn't bother to find out, did you?"

"I said 'Sorry' about the old woman, but from behind, you looked-"

"What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior."

"Well, I am King."

A tone of sarcasm rooted itself into Dennis's voice. "Oh, king. Very nice. And how'd you get that, ey? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress-"

An _actual_ old woman hobbled over, cutting him off. "There's lovely filth down here…oh." She looked at Arthur. "How do you do?"

"How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Whose castle is that?" He pointed at the castle that was a little ways away.

"King of who?"

"The Britons."

"Who are the Britons?"

"We all are. We are all Britons, and I am your King."

"I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective."

Dennis jumped in. "You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-"

The old woman shook her head and cut Dennis off. "There you go bringing class into it again."

Dennis made an angry hand gesture. "That's what it's all about!"

Arthur shook his head too and jumped into the conversation. "Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?"

The old woman shook her head again. "No one lives there."

"Then who is your lord?"

"We don't have a lord."

Pause.

"What?"

Dennis jumped in again. "I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take turns to act as sort of an executive officer for the week. But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting…"

"Yes, I see."

"…by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs…"

"Be quiet."

"…but by 2/3rd's majority-"

"Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!"

The old woman looked at Arthur disdainfully. "Order? Who does he think he is?"

Arthur stood up a little straighter. "I am your king."

"Well I didn't vote for you."

"You don't vote for kings."

"How'd you become king, then?"

"The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king." Arthur's voice took on a reverent tone as he said this.

Dennis stopped his work briefly to look at Arthur, before rolling his eyes and going back to it. "Listen. Strange women lying in ponds, distributing swords, is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!"

Arthur glared at the peasant. "Be _quiet_!"

"Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!"

"_Shut up_!"

"I mean, if I went around saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!"

Arthur started angrily forward at Dennis as he said this, and grabbed him by the back of the neck when he finished. "Shut up! Will you shut up?!" He started shaking the man.

"Aha! Now we see the violence inherent in the system!"

"Shut up!" Arthur knocked Dennis to the ground.

Dennis struggled to his feet and called out, "Come see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!"

"Bloody peasant!" Arthur shoved Dennis away and stalked off back to Patsy.

"Oh, oh, what a giveaway! Did you hear that?" Several other people gathered around Dennis. "That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me?" He gestured to one of the people at random. "You saw it, didn't you?"


	6. The Invincible Knight

Cut to a scene of a dense, quiet forest. Arthur and Patsy moved slowly through the area, not looking at the lovely scenery around them. Or at much of anything, for that matter.

_Clop! Clop! Cloppity-clop!_

Cut to a random battle scene. "Hah!"

Cut back to Arthur and Patsy.

Cut back to the battle. "Yaaah!"

Cut back to Arthur and Patsy.

_Clop! Clop! Cloppity-clop!_

Cut back to the battle. A knight in black armor smacked another knight clad in green in the helmet with the butt of his sword. "Aaaaaagh!"

Cut back to Arthur and Patsy. _Clop! Clop! Cloppity-clop!_

*_sigh*_

Cut back to the battle. _Oh. My. God._ The black knight parried several sword swings from the green one.

Arthur and Patsy rode up to the site of the battle.

"Yaaah!" The green knight lunged forward at the black knight, missed ,and hurriedly lifted his sword to block the incoming strike. "Yaaah!" He then moved inward and kicked the black knight in the knee, before swinging the flat of his sword up and smacking his opposition in the head. "Yaaah!" The black knight staggered back, before raising his sword to block the other knight's overhead strike then moving inward and butting him in the chest with the butt of his sword. He then knocked him to the ground before stabbing downward into the ground. The green knight rolled out of the way just in time…

Cut back to Arthur and Patsy, watching.

Cut again to the battle. The two exchanged several more blows before the green knight backed off and started charging at the black knight. "Yaaaaaah!" He was just about to reach him…

_Whoosh!_

The black knight's sword flew through the air, going directly into the vision slit of the other knight's helmet. Red paint gushed out from the wound. Yes, red paint.

The knight calmly walked over and pulled his sword from the corpse's helmet.

Arthur looked at him, duly impressed, before nodding and walking to him. The knight stood impassive in the middle of a path just beyond the site of the battle.

"You fight with the strength of many men, sir knight."

…

"I am Arthur, King of the Britons."

…

Arthur looked at Patsy briefly, rather confused. "I seek the finest and bravest knights in the land to join in my court at Camelot."

…

Arthur exchanged another glance with Patsy. "You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?"

…

"You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy." He started past the knight.

"None shall pass."

"What?"

"None shall pass."

"…I have no quarrel with you, good sir knight, but I must cross this bridge."

"Then you shall die."

"…I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!"

"I move for no man."

Arthur glared at him, before reaching back to pull Excalibur from its scabbard. "So be it!"

The black knight immediately charged at Arthur to the tune of awful battle music. "Hyah!" He swung and was blocked, swung again and missed, swung again and was blocked again. After parrying a good deal of strokes, and missing a few himself, Arthur moved in and slammed the hilt of his sword into the top of the black knight's helmet. He then blocked another stroke, dodged one more, then swung his sword at the knight…

_Chop! _The knight's left arm fell to the ground beside him. Patsy, watching from behind a tree, smiled. The awful battle music died.

"Now stand aside, worthy adversary."

The knight looked at his stump. "Tis but a scratch."

Pause.

"A scratch? Your arm's off!"

"No it isn't."

Arthur pointed at the arm. "Well what's that, then?"

The knight looked down at the arm. "…I've had worse."

"You liar!"

"Come on, you pansy!"

The knight swung three strokes at Arthur, which the king easily parried. He then charged at Arthur, sword out, and…

_Chop!_ The knight's other arm fell to the ground beside him. He looked around at his two stumps, rather befuddled.

"Victory is mine." Arthur kneeled down. "We thank thee, Lord, that in thy mercy-" _Clang!_

The knight's boot slammed into the side of the king's head. "Come on, then."

"What?!"

"Have at you!"

Arthur stood up. "You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight is mine."

"Oooh, had enough, ey?"

Pause.

"Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left."

"Yes I have."

"Look!"

"It's just a flesh wound." The knight continued kicking Arthur.

"Stop that!"

"Chicken! Chicken!"

"I'll have your leg! Right!"

_Chop!_

"Right. I'll do you for that!"

"You'll what?"

"Come here." The knight awkwardly hopped towards Arthur.

Arthur rolled his eyes. "What are you going to do, bleed on me?"

"I'm invincible!"

Pause.

"You're a loony."

"The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! …Come on, then."

_Chop!_

The black knight fell to the ground. Arthur walked up to him. "All right then…we'll call it a draw. Come, Patsy." He sheathed his sword and walked off, leaving the limbless knight on the ground. I'll bite your legs off!"


End file.
